I'm turning 30 this Thursday, and being a woman, I turned to fashion magazines to find out what 30 should look like. Thirty may be the new 20, but that doesn't mean that I should celebrate that milestone birthday by continuing on with my life like a normal person. Far from it! In fact, I was excited - not to mention terrified - to see just how much I need to accomplish before I hit the big 3-0. I'm preparing to max out my credit cards in order to fit into the fashion world's ideal of what a woman over 30 should look like.
According to Vogue, I need to get out there and spend a minimum of $1540 in order to get a classic watch, and everyday piece (they probably wouldn't think too much of my $15 gold plated studs), a statement earring (just one? Actually, that is kind of a trend right now), something sentimental (not just something that only has "sentimental value" - that shit should be real pricey), and an "heirloom treasure".
Ok, some of this is actually not bad - giving up a bad habit before you get to a point where you're like "eh, I've already been doing it for this long, what's the point of giving it up now," and wearing sunscreen, but why do I have to leave my hair alone? That's no fun! And then she's got a tidbit where she basically says that you don't have to wear makeup, but really seems to be implying that you should definitely start wearing a lot of makeup. Which I guess I do anyway, so that's sort of a moot point.
By contrast, this article is quite clear that I will need to pare down my makeup usage after the age of 30, so I've only got a few more days to wear a dark lip or bright blush or shimmery eye makeup. The clock is officially ticking, ladies!
Actually, I think the young'uns can have these ones. I don't really want to wear concert merch, "IDGAF logos" (think the tacky shit that was super trendy about 15 years ago that I didn't even care for then, much less now), or a dress over pants. I'll still partake in platforms and backless tops as often as I please, though, thankyouverymuch.
Given how much coffee I drink, I probably should just get a coffee maker already. But I don't like homemade coffee (weird fact no. 17 about me - the more you know!) so I will continue to spend my own damn money how I please. But a lot of this is actually decent advice,. I feel like magazines do a bit better when they just give you general life advice rather than getting all prescriptive about what "women of a certain age" should or shouldn't wear.
A lot of these are classics (Casablanca! Heathers!), but Reality Bites and Swingers are both so annoying. Brian would wholeheartedly agree with Goodfellas and ET, though - I guess I've got a movie marathon in order!
By the time you hit 30, you should probably just stop taking advice from Lauren Conrad. Why does every woman (excuse me, girl) need a garment steamer? What ever happened to a freaking iron?
Just enough to completely warp your view on human relationships in general and romantic love in particular. What if you don't like rom-coms? I've never seen a list of 20 Horror Movies Every Woman Should Watch Before She Turns 30. Also, are there no good rom-coms about people of color or queer people? Come on, now. (Obvious Child is legitimately great, though, so do watch that one.)
Well, I guess I should burn my crop tops; literally sew a bra into my skin so that I don't offend anyone with the sight of my free-swinging, pendulous breasts; throw out all of my bright lipsticks (though not any of my other makeup, since old hags like me shouldn't show up in public without plenty of slap); and dismiss any thoughts of shorts or mini skirts - don't want to scare anyone with my wrinkled, liver-spotted legs.
Or, you know, not.
Of course, noted expert on female beauty Donald Trump recognizes that hitting the age of 30 doesn't have to mean that you're over the hill. If, you know, you're an airplane.
So, any advice for turning 30? Turning from lamb into mutton? Cresting the hill?